Thank you for listening to The Champion Forum Podcast! How do you react when someone is disrespectful towards you? It’s easy to get caught in a cycle of disrespect because our natural inclination is to respond aggressively or defensively. However, we know leaders must respond calmly while ensuring expectations are met. Today on the show, I discuss how to address a team member who is outwardly frustrated without losing your leadership impact.
I recently found myself in a situation with a team member that caused tension that bubbled into a less-than-ideal encounter. During the conversation, the tone became disrespectful, which caused even more tension. While the situation ended in a healthy way, I could have done things to navigate better the tension we both felt. Here are five things you should do when you feel disrespected by an employee.
Q: How do you respond when you feel stressed at work? What negative patterns do you have? How do you recognize and self-police those patterns? What do you think the employee's role is vs. the leader's role?
Stay Calm and Neutral
I tend to become more tense, direct, and even defensive when disrespected. In this situation, I caught myself raising my tone and defending my position and adjusted my approach. The most direct way to stop the cycle of flared tempers is to refuse to copy the behavior. We need to resist the impulse to retaliate by calming down, modeling a composed behavior, setting clear boundaries, and explaining ourselves with clarity. While there’s no way to guarantee that they will become composed, at the very least, you can feel good about how you’ve responded.
Apply it: Look for tension in your body, like tight fists or a tense jaw, to help you identify how you are responding. If needed, don’t be afraid to take a moment to pause, gather yourself, and release the tension you feel. Remember that regardless of how you feel like the other person treats you, your goal is always to attack problems, not people.
2. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Ask questions that encourage your employee to share their perspective. Showing curiosity will demonstrate that you are interested in understanding the root cause of the behavior, not just reprimanding.
Apply it: Try saying things like, “It seems you are upset; is everything ok?” or “Help me understand your frustration.”
3. Seek to Understand, Not to Blame
Disrespectful behavior might stem from frustrations, misunderstandings, or personal issues. You can find a way to move forward when you seek to understand. Nothing justifies disrespect, but it allows you to begin to work through the challenge and address it. You may find that as you ask questions, your employee may relax or even apologize. Then, you will be in a place where you can work on restoration.
Apply it: Express empathy toward your employees. Look to get past the surface and to the root of what is causing them to get frustrated. You might say, “I want to work toward a solution. Can you tell me why you are upset”?
4. Encourage Problem-Solving
Once the issues are surfaced, involve them in finding solutions. Here, you will start to engage your employees and transform the conversation. Instead of having a wall between you, you can create common ground and problem-solve together.
Apply it: Try asking, “What do you think could help improve the situation?” Listen to their suggestions and try to find action items you and your employee can tackle over the next few days.
5. Reinforce Standards Without Being Combative
Reinforce the importance of respect and professionalism in the workplace. In this situation, I try to approach this step with humility. I assure my employees that I am not perfect and could have been a part of their frustration. I also acknowledge the likelihood of a similar situation occurring again. I remind them that we cannot always control what comes our way, but we can always determine how we will respond.
Apply it: Reinforce your team’s expectation for respectful dialogue by saying something like, “I want to make sure we’re both on the same page about how we communicate. Respect is key in our team, and I’d like to work together to ensure we uphold that.”
Q: Describe a time when you either acted disrespectfully to a leader or had someone act disrespectfully toward you. What factors contributed to the situation? How was it resolved? What do you think could have been done better?
Application Activity:
Evaluate your current approach to addressing poor attitudes and disrespectfulness on your team. Which of these steps do you do well? Where do you need to improve? If you are struggling with this on your team, I recommend re-setting the expectation and gaining buy-in from your team. Getting their input on what constitutes respectful behavior will ensure everyone is on the same page and give you the right to hold people accountable.
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